If you don’t read anything else I ever write I hope you’ll not just read this one but act on it. Yeah, that’s how important I think it is. And at the end, I sure could use your help helping some other folks. I hope you’ll participate and find it helpful yourself. it shouldn’t take but five minutes. 🙂
A number of my friends have lost their fathers recently and earlier this year several colleagues had very close friends pass away unexpectedly. They each expressed to me the regret they had in either leaving some things unsaid or not spending more time with the person. All of which is a reminder that life is fragile and fleeting.
It’s caused me to reflect on my own mortality and relationships. Headed into Father’s Day weekend I had been thinking more and more about my dad who passed away from cancer 15 years ago. We spoke on the phone around 2pm almost every afternoon before he retired and got cancer. (To this day, I often find myself dialing his office number in the afternoon out of habit. Anyone else do this?)
I was fortunate that I had the opportunity to make sure nothing was left unsaid right before he died. I thanked him, let him know how much he meant to me and told him just how much I loved him. About five minutes later he passed away in his sleep. Not everyone gets that opportunity.
At some point we all have someone who leaves us unexpectedly: a spouse, sibling, parent, coach, mentor, friend or co-worker. It leads us to think about the things that were left unsaid with that person. And we end up living with the regret of not sharing our true feelings. There are also unsaid things among the living that end friendships, relationships, business partnerships and even marriages. But what if it didn’t go unsaid?
There are some people you’ll never get that time with, but there are others still in our lives with whom we’ve left things unsaid and can make things right with.
I encourage you to reflect on this for a minute:
If you only had five minutes to live & could make just one phone call, Who would you call and what would you tell them?
Why five minutes? Five minutes is a very limited amount of time. As a result it forces you to cut to the core of exactly what you would say. And since we’ve all got a limited amount of time, shouldn’t we start acting like it? Say that which was unsaid. Do what previously went undone. Ask what you were afraid to ask earlier. Forgive and forget the grudge you were holding on to. Don’t be too busy, in too big a hurry or worse yet too afraid to have that conversation.
I’m eternally grateful there was someone in my life who took five minutes to have a conversation with me that dramatically changed the trajectory of my life, to the point that I’m doing what I’m doing today because this person invested five minutes in having a difficult conversation with me.
In 1986 I was an immature, struggling high school sophomore. After clowning around in health class my high school teacher and coach, John Distler, sat me down and told me a harsh but helpful reality:
“No one else is going to take you seriously until you start taking yourself seriously. I’ve seen what you’re doing and I know you’re better than that and I think deep down YOU know you’re better than that.”
I got to thinking that this person I really admired actually saw some potential in me. Maybe I wasn’t as big a joke as my peers made me out to seem. A quick five minute conversation served as the catalyst to help me slowly climb up out of the hole I had dug for myself: set higher standards and made better choices. All because of one conversation with someone who believed in me at a time when I didn’t believe in myself.
He didn’t have to have that conversation with me, it was the last class before lunch. He could have decided he was too busy or in too big a hurry to bother. He could spared himself the five minutes, just chalked it up to me being an idiot and gone to lunch with his wife. Instead he chose to have a difficult conversation with me.
Something as quick and simple as a five minute conversation can have a life changing impact on someone, I know because that’s what it did for me.
When I speak to groups I often ask them this same question I asked you to reflect on: If you only had five minutes to live and you could make just one phone call. Who would you call and what would you tell them?
I’ll actually bring a volunteer up on stage and have them to make the phone call, right there on the spot. The results are absolutely transformational. I’ve seen a daughter reconnect with her birth mother, a father repair a damaged relationship with his teenage son and most recently a college student scare the daylights out of his mom (It was a pleasant surprise, she said he never calls unless there’s something wrong or he needs money.)
It’s not morbid, it’s therapeutic. I’m forever grateful for my last five minutes with my dad and the five minute reality check my coach gave me when I needed it most. I’m encouraging you to not leave important things unsaid because our time is precious and fleeting. Who will you call? What will you say? And what’s stopping you from saying it now?
*The Five Minute Project: If that person you’d like to call is no longer living or if you’d simply like to share who you’d call and what you’d tell them, I’ve set up a voicemail box for you to call and leave your message for them.
I’ll be compiling these and sharing the audio to help inspire others to see why things shouldn’t be left unsaid and have their conversation. Please participate, the number is (215) 277-2157. Thank you.